Dear Princesses

Dear Princesses,

It has been a year and a half or so since we’ve spoken. I didn’t mean to leave so abruptly.

So much has happened since we were last together.

Tremendous loss, family problems, financial troubles, burn out, unemployment, anxiety. Depression.

I’ve had moments where I’ve wondered what the point of all this is. Why put in any effort in life if there’s only one outcome?

I’ve had moments where I’ve felt I couldn’t do more than I was doing. The bare minimum was all the energy I could muster.  I could go to work and be cheerful with co-workers and customers. I could do things with friends on occasion. But when I was at home, the truth was plain to see even if I didn’t want to see it. I was in survival mode, or something like it. I wasn’t overcoming depression, it was overcoming me.

I think there’s some irony in that. The purpose of this blog and us working together was to overcome depression. To help others see that they weren’t alone in their struggles, that there was hope. But I had no hope.

I was too focused on what to do when I ran out of ideas and I couldn’t enjoy the moment I was in. I was too worried about readership views and likes. Weighed the numbers against my value and my success. I was unhappy at work and felt no joy in this blog anymore. I didn’t feel connected to anything I had learned about myself while working with you all.

So, what was the point?

Yet, I’ve missed you. I still watch your movies and listen to your music. I read a book about you earlier this year (I even took notes!)  and felt a small spark of an idea about where this could go.

But it’d been so long since I’ve written, and I found it difficult to read the books I wanted for research. I couldn’t plan. I let the spark go dim.

I’ve had two big life changes this month. Loved ones have been lost and just yesterday I was offered a new job (I’ve been unemployed since the end of June).

In some ways I’m consumed by grief and I’m anxious about starting a new job and losing the freedom of not having to do anything responsible. But something else has changed. I feel a little bit of motivation that I haven’t felt in a long time. And sense a flicker of hope.

I don’t have any plans set in motion and I’m not making any goals at this time. Yet, I want to feed the little bits of light I’ve found. I don’t want them smothered.

And that’s why I’m writing to you, my dear princesses, because even though we’ve lost touch, you’ve helped me so much in the past and I know that you haven’t left.

Would you be willing to help me again?

Catie