Truth Telling Time: I feel pretty distant from Gulia. Maybe she’s too new (even though I featured Raya already) or maybe it’s because she’s only a supporting character (even though I featured Wendy and Vanellope).
But I think what it really comes down to is she’s so motivated and I’m so not.
I’ve done things this month, don’t get me wrong. I made the trenette al pesto (with linguine and with a friend),
I went to a baseball game, I spent time with family and friends and I am now a mentor with NAMI, which is going great. But I didn’t attempt the bicycling or swimming goal and didn’t even think about working on “being myself.” Not to mention the room I didn’t clean, the car I didn’t clean, the housework I didn’t help with, etc.
I saw my psychiatrist today and I mentioned my issues with motivation. He looked at my list of medications on his laptop and then he looked up at me, and he basically said I’m on the max dosages of what he feels comfortable giving me or can give me.
I know there’s no magic medicated fix for my motivation issues. And I’m discussing them with my counselor and in NAMI support group as well.
So, I know that “I can do anything for 5 minutes,” and “I can take things one at a time,” but these bits of advice don’t spark my inner motivational flame.
It’s not Gulia’s fault she’s so motivated. She’s young and passionate and doesn’t have mental conditions, even if she can be too much sometimes.
Light Bulb Moment! Gulia is motivated because of the things I just said, but she also has a reason.
She has a reason to want to win the race. She calls it “the hunger.”
Here’s a clip that mentions “the hunger” if you’re interested.
That’s what I’m missing! The hunger to do things.
No one wants to clean, but they know the benefits of doing so – thus feeding the hunger.
I also know the benefits of cleaning and my hunger mulls it over and then goes back to sleep.
That’s the depression.
So distant or not, this is why I need Gulia’s influence. I must fight and find purpose. Find my hunger. And feed it.