I have taken a back seat a few times this month to my depression. Maybe more than a few times, if I consider the state of my bedroom, my energy and anxiety levels, the times when I felt like there was no point or the times when all I could do was cry for so many reasons and yet for no reason at all.
I often think about how my actions (or inactions depending on how you look at it) when I am having a low (I haven’t figured out a better word to call “when my depression is showing”) affect the people around me.
I’m someone who doesn’t help around the house. I feel lazy and inconsiderate. But that doesn’t change the state of the living room, the dishes that need put away or the bathroom that needs cleaned.
I can be irritable and/or can start crying at a drop of a hat. I was told once that when I’m “myself,” I’m someone people like to be around; that I make people feel good. When I’m depressed that person is gone. I become someone you have to walk on eggshells around.
I often feel there is Catie and there is depressed Catie. Two different versions of me.
In Sleeping Beauty and in those 18 minutes that Aurora is in the movie – I see two different characters.
There is Briar Rose – the cheerful, love-wondering, singing, barefooted girl who dances with owls.
And there is Aurora – the girl who has lost all hope.
Can you be a full person if you feel split in two? What does it take to become whole? If I join Catie to depressed Catie or eliminate depressed Catie altogether– do I become different person entirely?
Is becoming someone new the wrong thing to do?
What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know!
I think for most people there is no way to make the depressed self go away completely. I think its just important to have people who understand and love both versions of you 🙂. As much as you may not like depressed catie I think she is still important to the core of your personality. She may be doing more harm than good most days but I think she has taught you important lessons as well and made you stronger in ways. I think you have come a long way over the years and although she has made life much more difficult, you have come out of it much stronger and wiser. I think your posts show a lot of that just in the way you think and can relate these scenarios into your everyday life and strive toward using them as examples for growth.
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I think I agree with you, you can’t live life on what if’s, right? And, thank you. ☺️