More Than I Can Tell

I have a good excuse for wrapping up Belle a day late. I was in the ER last night. I’m ok, but I have bronchitis. They decided this after an EKG, blood tests, and a chest x-ray. Better safe than sorry, though.

But enough about that, watch the video below.

(Fun fact: this scene is influenced by the opening scene from the Sound of Music.)

I can’t explain to you the first time I really listened to this and felt that Belle was singing my inner most feelings. It was a kick to my soul and a skip to my heartbeat.  Having said that, I have never really thought about what the “more” is that I want. The more I want more than I can tell.

Unlike Ariel, who knows exactly what the more is she wants, Belle is sort of stuck knowing she wants more than she has, but maybe because she has read too much and there are maybe too many possibilities (Gaston does warn her about this danger), she isn’t sure what her it is.

Lucky for her, Belle finds it in the woods next to her house.

I decided to look up provincial in the dictionary. Well, ok, in the dictionary online. According to Merriam-Webster, provincial means living in a province, “a person of local or restricted interests or outlook”, and “limited in outlook: narrow.”

In Belle’s world, she is living in a province and is surrounded by narrow people, like Gaston. She is dealing with all definitions of provincial.  She is stuck. I wouldn’t say that my life is narrow in those terms, but it has become limited in outlook. That, though, has been my own doing.

I too, am stuck.

Depression can become your whole world, without you even realizing it. When I would get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, get up, got to work, come home, and go to bed, I wasn’t wanting more or doing more.

Or rather, wanting more wasn’t enough to break the cycle.

Belle’s cycle breaks because she must rescue her father from an enchanted castle and a beast.

My dad, thankfully, is safely at work, so no enchanted adventures for me.

Which means, I must break my own cycle.

To an extent, because of this blog and the princesses who have taught me so much about myself, I have done this. I have gone new places, done new things and have simply completed goals to help me reach my more.

But I still struggle.

I still have days where I get up, go to work, come home and go to bed. I have only read 2 entire books this year. I struggle with confidence. My lack of motivation has gotten to the point that my bedroom, the one space I can at this moment call my own, has the potential to be considered hazardous.

So, I’d say I’m halfway there. Halfway to my enchanted castle with the beautiful library. Halfway to my more.

And, you know what, I think Belle would say that’s ok. I have learned a lot about patience this month.

Patience to finish a book. Patience to define what I want. Patience to reach what I want. Patience to accept that I’m not there yet.

When I think Beauty and the Beast and what Belle teaches, I instantly think about inner beauty. I don’t think Belle’s patience is a moral that is talked about much. If you think about it though, you must have infinite patience to live in town where no one understands you and you have to have infinite patience (not to mention bravery) to decide to live as a prisoner to save your father.

And maybe, with my newly acquired patience, I can eventually unstick myself and can reach my more.